The Role of Men as Women struggle to Balance Work, Family and Career

Call it partnering, helping or sharing, husbands or men tending to domestic chores is still considered a very unfamiliar subject and almost a taboo in some parts of the world.  As a man who has not only shared housework with my wife but also worked as a full time househusband for over 3 years, I can understand why most men, not only in Africa will find unease in supporting or even debating the idea of a man attending to housework.  By nature, men are brought up to be macho, to provide for the family and only take the tasks that require a lot of strength.  That’s why some men are scolded for crying.  We are not meant to be soft.  There is nothing African or backward about this.  It is what is expected in all patriarchy societies. In Europe, probably the most advanced continent on this planet, the Irish are just trying to get rid of a clause in the constitution that specifically made reference to the kitchen or home being the woman’s place in society.

Yet much as it is strange, unusual and unmentionable in some societies, men have to change the perception they have about their positions in the family in order to continue being relevant in the modern family.  Five years ago, The Mail UKreported that three in ten divorcing UK couples blame arguments over washing up and their other halves not pulling their weight around the house for the demise of their relationships.   In 2018, a working paper fromHarvard Business School and the University of British Columbia revealed that in the US, 25% of respondents cited 'disagreements about housework' as the number one reason for their divorce; a close third after infidelity (40%) and drifting apart (35%).  This means that while infidelity and drifting apart were still the most common reasons for marriage break-ups, research also found domestic issues are playing a big part in divorces.  Looking it from another angles, there is a 25% chance that your marriage will work if you both agree on the allocation of housework.

Many people especially here in Uganda will argue that we will simply outsource the housework.  It is true; studies have found that people who pay somebody else to take care of their dirty business have more satisfying relationships.  But you also need to hear this ‘studies show that women feel more sexually attracted to partners who pitch in when it comes to housework. 

I have been married for 19 years and for almost that entire time; I have shared domestic chores with my wife.  I especially enjoy moping the house, doing the dishes and cooking.  I must admit though that I don’t like sitting on a heap of clothes and doing the unexciting job of ensuring that every fabric is free of creases and has a neat straight line.   In 2008, my contribution to domestic chores went from part-time or helper to full time househusband.  This was while we lived in UK.  This wasn't the original plan. The original plan that we had so meticulously worked out in 2006 when leaving Uganda, was for us to move with a Ugandan housekeeper.   While Victoria went to work, the helper would do all the domestic chores and I would be the parent  (to be present at all school meetings, birthdays and take kids to the park).  In addition to this I would also attend my Msc in Construction Management. Sounds a great plan. However, In June 2008 as soon as I completed my postgraduate studies and was settling down into life without classes and writing essays, our out sourced help vanished.   The plan had to change.  I either had to become a full time husband while Victoria continued to work in her expatriate role or we had to pack up and leave UK (hiring a house help in UK on their terms would not be worth it).  I chose the former.  After all, she earned more money to take care of the family without my income.  So it was decided that Victoria would continue working full time, while I stayed home to look after the house and carry out the practical aspects of parenting – school runs, naps, meals, baths and bedtimes.  I had a few occasional assignments coming in from my practice back in Kampala and would spend my ‘free’ time writing reports, proposals or designing, just to keep me sane.  Apart from that and a miserable blog that I started writing about that time, all I did was domestic stuff 24/7.  My only breaks would come when Victoria took leave (only to become a full time parent).  Those are days I would dash off to Kampala to take care of some of our interests back home (but also take a much deserved break).

Being a househusband has its advantages and disadvantages.  First when you tell people that you are a househusband, they jog on very quickly – I don’t know if it is out of sympathy or just because everyone knows what you do.   No one asks supplementary questions like they would when you say ‘I am an architect’.  But there is also this underside of being a househusband; you do all the basics of keeping the house from cleaning, to cooking, sometimes to just watching your toddlers at a park while they play.  None of is a tad difficult, once you know how.  But a lot of it is boring.  There is little time to yourself; no time for mulling over your emails, or watching your favourite shows on netflix, or just to step out of the house for the sake of it (and hang with the boys).  Then there is that awkward moment at the schoolyard, where all the other parents look at you pitifully already assuming that you are going through a separation or you are divorced.  The courageous single ladies say a word or two anticipating a break through and may be win themselves a caring partner. I enjoyed and hated it all in equal measure.

Unfortunately, very few men will ever understand this until you live it.  There would be a few times when I would wonder why as a man, I had condemned myself to something that is low-status, poorly rewarded and self-esteem sapping.    Then I would think of the millions of women going through what I am going through and probably a billion before me who have successfully completed these mundane roles of keeping house and looking after children.  As an only child at home raised by a single mum, I would always remember my mother and appreciate her for having taught me all the domestic chores without discriminating what was for boys or girls.  Nothing prepared me for this role like her constant nagging to complete all my tasks in time and satisfactorily.

I have since learnt that keeping house is not a simple task. It turns out that being a househusband is very much like being a housewife – the gender makes very little difference.   Marriage is like a business partnership and when it comes to housework especially, it must be treated as one. Married people need to make decisions on who will run the home or how the housework will be shared as equal partners.  If you are both working, it is only fair that you both share in the housework.   While we have never discussed this subject, I believe my wife’s glittering success in her professional career as an expatriate for over 15 years was in a small way due to my support when it came to the unexciting housekeeping jobs.   As parents, we have a duty to bring up boys who are ready and prepared to take on these roles when they become husbands.  By pitching in as a househusband, I did not only support my wife’s career growth, but we gave our kids a lifetime opportunity to be exposed to the best schools on offer while they still bonded with one of their parents on a full time basis.   When both parents are constantly away for work, they both miss the influence over their kids as parents.  While there are so many tangible achievements that came our way as a result of my role in the home, the greatest achievement was the intangible relationship that was built between my kids and I over that period.