After 20 years of Adult, Independent Life - What have I learnt?
In
a few weeks I will turn 46.
Leading up to this birthday I want to write about what I have learnt in
the last 20 years. For most of my
birthdays, I take time off to write about life experiences from my
perspective. This is another
–probably boring one from me – bear with me.
In
July 1996, I left Makerere University after squeezing the most out of the institution
– in terms of free accommodation.
Unknown to some of you my friends, I was a very proud and dedicated
member of Makerere Flukers Association (MUFA). Once I joined Makerere Univesity
in October of 1991, I did not leave my hall of residence – the great Mitchell
Hall - until July 1996. Most of
the holidays I spent on campus were stories of delicate and protracted
negotiations with the Hall Warden and/or Custodian. Sometimes surviving being thrown out of the Hall was down to
ingenious ways of endurance like being able to sleep in a different room every
night. Three months prior to my departure from Makerere University
campus, which was my home for almost five years (Oct 1991 to July 1996), I had
dedicated my efforts to saving for life as a bachelor. When the time came, I was a little
emotional but I also looked forward to having my own place. After hiring a small pick up
truck from near the market in Wandegeya, I proceeded to another part of
Wandegeya (ku bbiri) – the pace with incredibly cheap but also low quality
furniture - where I had paid for a bed and coffee table a week in advance,
loaded up and continued to Balintuma Road in Nakulabye. This was my first legally rented place
of aboard. It was a simple 2-bed apartment
that I shared with my classmate and long time friend, Ali. Like most naïve graduates and freshers
to Kampala’s suburbia, we were robbed of all our possessions after 3 months of
living in Nakulabye, more over in broad daylight. Before that, I
had started hunting for jobs as soon as our results were out in May 1996 and
for the next two months while I still lived on campus but not with as much
gusto as I did after I had moved into my own place. Indeed, within two weeks, of living outside of Makerere
University, I had got a job with Infrastructure Design Forum. My start date was to be 1st
August. My new boss, Arch Jasper
Kyomukama was very sincere with me.
The practice was not very busy but they could still take me on and I
would mainly look after their small assignments (homes/residences). The most difficult clients to deal with
I have since learnt are home owner/developers, and yet like my boss I also
continue to assign rookies to deal with these people. So what lessons have I learnt over the 20 years since I left
school?
1. PRACTICE MODERATION
This probably took me the
longest to come to terms with but my life got increasingly better as I realized
on each occasion that being moderate was the best thing. When I had just left Uni, full of ideas
and energy, I thought I was going to change a lot of things. I went through a school system based on
grades and I thought my brain is all I needed to conquer the world. I was impatient with those who didn’t
see things the way I see them and even questioned some of the decisions they took.
As a result, I committed some mistakes, and I have learnt from them. From being a football fan, church going
Christian, to pursuing wealth and happiness, I have found true happiness in
being moderate. It takes long and
may be hard to get to but once you come to terms with the fact that your view
is not the only correct view and that chances are high that it could be totally
wrong, you start living in peace with everybody. Still work in progress, but I am now more moderate than I
was 20 years ago – and that is about everything in life.
2. NO BODY REALLY CARES
No one cares about you or what
you think – and the earlier you get used to that the better for you. Scary as it is, it is vey liberating
when you actually get to the deeper meaning of ‘No Body Really Cares’. Don’t get me wrong; I am sure my Mum
still worries to death about me. But I am now pretty sure that many people I have tried to
impress in the past either didn’t care or have already forgotten. Like David Foster Wallace says, “You’ll stop worrying what others think about
you when you realize how seldom they do”. After 20 years of independent, adult life, I really no
longer care what other people think of the car I drive, the house I live in or
which part of the city I come from.
As long as it makes me happy, makes economic sense to me, I will do it.
3. BE
A LITTLE SELFISH AND THINK ABOUT YOURSELF
There
can be a fine line between being a complete useless insensitive twat and a
person who occasionally looks after himself. Selfishness is different from self interest which should be
avoided. After my 40th
birthday, I realized that I was so concerned about the happiness of other people
than myself. I would tag along for
meetings, gatherings or functions that I am not really into just to make other
people happy. I am now a little
selfish, I can choose to go for a run over a wedding reception and I think it
is perfectly in order. Life can be
short, so I have hard to learn to spare sometime for the things I love. It may be hard to do them later.
4. THERE IS NO FORMULA
As I started
out my life in the mid 90s, a lot of people gave me advice about life and
marriage, most of it well intentioned but the truth is that there is no formula. For instance no body ever prepared me
for a split family life, which I have lived the last 15 years. In the last 20 years, I have had to
deal with life the way I see best.
What is important is that I set myself some goals and I have tried to
work towards them. I gave up
emulating others and charted my own course ensuring that whatever I do makes my
family and I happy. Almost all
people I spoke to 15 years ago, told me I was making a mistake to let my wife
work in a different country – yet that is one of if not the most important
decision we ever made as a family.
I have learnt that the only reason people say ‘life starts at 40’ is
because in your 20s you think you
know what’s going on, in your 30s you realize you probably don’t, and in
your 40s you relax and just accept things. It is true.
5. USE YOUR TIME WELL
It has turned out that my
greatest asset was not my ideas, education or brains but time. Time grants you
the opportunity to do things, make mistakes and learn from them. I now realize, I should have taken more risks when I was
younger, I should have travelled more and should have spent more time doing the
things I like as an individual. When
you are as old as I am, you are weighed down with financial responsibilities
that come with adulthood: mortgage repayments, car loans, school fees, retirement
plans and so on. Additionally, you
now have to make decisions in consultation and your partner will not like
everything you like.
6. FRIENDS VS RELATIVES
I’ve spent the majority of the
last 15 years shuttling between home country and where it is that my wife may
be working. This journey has taken
me over 3 countries. Spending half
the year in Uganda and the other half in a foreign country means that there are
loads of friends I don’t get to see. Unfortunately, that means that for some of those friends we
have drifted apart bit-by-bit until we are no more. I have also learnt over
this time that there are those friends who will stick by you whether you are
available or not. It’s not that
those other friends are bad people. That’s how life is. The only people that haven’t changed
are my relatives, no matter how long I spend without seeing them. They are the same people I see at
funerals, weddings and other family gatherings. Probably they are the only ones that are guaranteed to be
there when I am finally being laid to rest. I recently attended a funeral on my
maternal side and there were people I hadn’t seen in over a decade. Once we saw each other it was all hugs
and smiles, no gloomy faces, no awkward situations.
7. MOST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
ARE GOOD PEOPLE
Like I have said over the last
15 years, we have lived in 3 countries and travelled to over 30. Growing up in a typically Baganda
home – yes Baganda do hold a lot of prejudices – I used to be pretty
judgemental. In the last 20 years
I have rubbed shoulders with all kinds of people some of them insanely rich and
famous and others poor and downtrodden.
I have discovered that most people in the world mean well. I have learnt not to pass judgement on
people before getting close and personal.
Looks can be deceptive but those taken from afar can be out right
lies. Everyone wants the best for
themselves and their families, everyone wants to look cool and feel important —
that does not make them bad. Everyone is proud of where they come from – it is not
tribalism or racism. Everyone
loves their friends and family – that’s why we get upset when we think they
have not measured up to the standard we expect them to. It is just the details
that get shuffled around. Most of the differences that we hold to be so
significant; religion, race, tribe, nationality - are accidental byproducts of
geography and history. I’ve learnt
not to judge people by who they are or where they come from but by what they
do. Some of the kindest and most
gracious people I’ve dealt with are those who did not have to be kind or
gracious to me. Some of the people
that have been horrible to me are those that I have previously helped or paid
to offer me a service. You don’t
know who you are dealing with until you spend enough time with a person to see
what they do.
8. THE POWER OF SMALL
THINGS
I grew up in a life of
deprivation and general lack of basics. I remember my classmate who gave me a
Nile English Course textbook and spared me from being sent away from
class. I still remember my only
uncle who visited me at Makerere College School to deliver a ‘Success Card’ –
the only time any body from my family visited me at school or gave me a success
card before the national exams. Those
two small actions are part of the work that led to my relatively recognizable
success later in life. I may not
have realized it then. Many of us
have a tendency to assume things just happen or ought to have happened
anyway. We tend to only see the
result of things and completely choose not to pay attention to the process that
went into producing the result. Now that I am on the side that gives – I see
this more often. When I was
younger, it was not clear to me as it is now that the big things I looked
forward to are actually a result of the small things that were silently and
unceremoniously put together over a long period by different people. Now I do.
9. ACCEPTANCE &
ACKNOWLDGEMENT
May be one of the things I have
learnt more recently is acknowledgment, acceptance, and (perhaps) forgiveness
of people’s flaws. I used to be
(and in some cases still are) impatient with dumbness, slowness and lack of
urgency. I must have been a very
horrible boss in my 30s. Of late,
I have come to the conclusion that not all people are the same. What appears as clear cut and obvious
may not be to another person, I am now willing to take more time to explain to
people what I want to be done but it still drives me nuts when they don’t. I just have to keep reminding
myself that they’re doing their best, even though it may not be the best to me.
10. BE
HAPPY
My
mother turned 70 this year. She is
still strong and energetic. She
can still get on to the dance floor for hours and walks upright. I don’t know her as an athletic person
and she was never very keen on tilling land. She says and I agree with her that
her good health now is a result of being positive and happy all her life. During our years of a very simple life,
she encouraged me to hang with children from the rich families. ‘Stay away from miserable people’ she
would say, ‘they will consume you and drain every single bit of happiness you
have’. I have realized how
important it is to keep happy in my adult life. I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore; when confronted
with a perceived problem, I ask myself what is the worst it can be? Is there an
alternative? Is it even going to
matter later in life that I wore a black shoe instead of a brown one? Gone are the days, when I would worry
myself about not being at a function, meeting or place. If I miss something really nice, I make
the most of the place where I find myself and enjoy as much instead of lamenting. I used to worry myself of not being available
as the team leader, now I know that things can go on without me. It is even likely that people will come
up with better solutions in my absence.
There is a simple life lesson of accepting life as is and carry on – I apply
that a lot now.
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